Transcript: Thanks Allan. This is David Brower with your 20-minute podcast. Our special guest today from Nigeria is Alex Okoroji.
Alex Okoroji: Hi David.
David Brower: Was that close?
Alex Okoroji: That was close. You get a pass.
David Brower: Oh my God.
Alex Okoroji: I thought it was a very good job.
David Brower: Well, thank you. It’s great to talk to you. If you went on a personal quest to get down to the real true authentic naked part of who she is, this is where her naked movement came in, the Naked Talk radio show, the Naked Truth, a book. The Naked Challenge, a summit all came from. You’ve got a wildly successful radio show, self-development brand. All of in what looks like relatively short period of time. So, what got you started on all of this?
Alex Okoroji: So, here’s what, I did have a traditional career as an artist, right? And I was married to another actor. I was working as an actress and I was married to another actor from another country. And that marriage didn’t work, right? And so, we got divorced. And during the period of just trying to deal with my divorce, I was experiencing some kind of, I mean, first of all, there was a social backlash, right? Because again, as an actor, lead your life out there in the spotlight.
David Brower: Right, absolutely.
Alex Okoroji: And everybody kind of pretty much knows what’s going on in your life.
David Brower: Whether it’s true or not.
Alex Okoroji: And then, whether it’s true or not. Exactly.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: And then, as an African being married and staying married is kind of like a goal. And so, when my marriage didn’t work, I just, it was kind of like having a public breakup.
David Brower: Got you.
Alex Okoroji: But yeah. And at that time, I just also had had a baby. And so, here I was, basically with a brand new baby, with a failing marriage. I was going through changes as a new mom.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: And of course, I couldn’t just jump right back at work. So, I was just feeling frustrated and depressed, and just hating my new life, and hating the fact that I had to explain myself and give people, everyone wanted to know what was going on.
David Brower: Of course.
Alex Okoroji: And for a long time, I would pretty much lie. So, I would go out-
David Brower: Well, yeah. Just to protect yourself and your baby, right?
Alex Okoroji: Yes, I was trying to protect myself, my baby and my family.
David Brower: Yeah, absolutely.
Alex Okoroji: And I had a father in the industry, who used to be a famous musician. So, I was trying to protect everybody.
David Brower: Sure.
Alex Okoroji: And so, I was lying. People would ask me, “What’s going on? How are you? Or how is marriage?” And I’m like, “oh, we’re great. We’re fine.” You’re out there on the red carpet and I’m like, “Oh, we’re great. We’re fine.”
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: I was lying. And the lies were starting to get to me-
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: Because I started feeling like I was society and societal expectations to kind of choke me. And-
David Brower: Right. Well, it’s not who you are. That’s I mean, it’s just not who you are. You’re not a dishonest person.
Alex Okoroji: Exactly. So, at some point, I just had to have a naked conversation with myself. And so, the entire naked movement and the naked philosophy and this whole entire naked started from me having to have some real honest conversation with myself. And this is me really just telling myself, “Hey, you’re not going to be the first person whose marriage has failed, and you’re not going to be the first person who doesn’t have it all together.”
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: You’re not going to be the person who’s trying to, who finds herself in this new situation who’s trying to juggle things and trying to figure things out. And I think most importantly-
David Brower: And being a single mom.
Alex Okoroji: Exactly.
David Brower: Right?
Alex Okoroji: And I think it would just be real, yes, and it’s so funny, because I think it was also me just realizing that for a long time, almost forever, I was living my life based on other people’s opinion and validation.
David Brower: Oh yeah.
Alex Okoroji: So, it was me, I got together with someone because people thought we looked great. We looked great together. I stressed out because I was expecting, it was really about leading my life for other people.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: And I just had that conversation and told myself, “Know what? You have to be honest with yourself, and you have to take back your life, and you have to strip down the mask. Strip off the mask.”
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: And just represent who you really are. And that’s how-
David Brower: And to find that authentic you, that’s a lot of work when you’ve been out there pretending and acting and putting on the face. Right?
Alex Okoroji: Yes, it is a lot of work. Yeah.
David Brower: I talked to a therapist yesterday in another interview. She called it the impostor syndrome, where we try to as much as we don’t want to, we become this impostor. And we find ourselves being more genuine to other people about what their expectations are rather than spending time discovering who we really are. And you’ve obviously made that hurdle and found out, or probably in the process of still finding out, who you are, what you’re all about, and just life in general. Quite a, wow. Quite a road you’ve been on.
Alex Okoroji: But you’re right. That’s a very, that was a long road.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: You kind of discover who I really am. And I had to really just give up [inaudible 00:05:40]. And it is really scary because first of all, it means that you have to not be ashamed to be vulnerable.
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: You are not ashamed to be flawed or to be imperfect.
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: And of course, as, when you think about what it really looks like or feels like to be naked, it means that you have scars. And I say this figuratively.
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: You have scars and you have things that you’re embarrassed about. And you have flaws and weaknesses. And you have to come to terms with what those things are. And what you need to change to basically lead the life that you want, and live life on your own terms.
David Brower: Yeah. Absolutely. And somewhere alone the line, you have to, I think, you have to find your way to be able to like yourself, and at some level begin to love yourself, so that your own personality and your heart and your soul all of a sudden taking over where other people have been trying to do that for you.
Alex Okoroji: Exactly. And you’re right when you say that because it really does start with you really having to accept yourself and love yourself the way you are. And it’s so funny, because if you’re a pleaser-
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: Right? And if you’re a performer, there’s somehow, and I use a word, as a performer, you are a pleaser. You’re an entertainer. Half the time, you’re performing for applause.
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: You’re performing to make other people happy. You’re performing for some kind of reaction. It’s really always about other people than it really is about yourself. And so, I remember saying to myself that while I love being an actor and I love being in front of the camera, I kind of realized that it wasn’t my authentic voice.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: I could, you could spend forever in a career where people never really got to really know the real you or connect with the real you. Yet faced with the ever-changing rolls that you play.
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: Or what media portrays or presents or sensationalizes you to be, right?
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: And so, you find out that people don’t end up getting to know and realize that you’re real and you’re human. And you have down days, right? And you have challenges just like-
David Brower: Well, yeah. Yeah. You just described the first 50 years of my life. Seriously, because I was always a people pleaser. I was an only child. That was the only thing I knew how to do. I was in radio for a very long time, and so performing was part of what I did. Totally different than yours, but still performing. And then when I turned 50, I decided to make a list of 50 things to do for myself. Because I’ve never put myself on the radar to do anything for myself. It was always for everybody else. So, I made this list of 50 things to do for myself, and I gave myself a year to do them. And that was a life changer. Absolute life changer.
Alex Okoroji: And I think that, and I’m glad that you said that, because really, the moment you decide you want to do things for yourself, and you want to live life on your own terms, and you want to define what success is for you, or what success means to you using your own, not using society’s definition.
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: That’s when everything changed for me.
David Brower: Absolutely.
Alex Okoroji: So, when you now talk about me having done quite a lot of things under a really short period, right, my acting career is way longer than that, but it felt like I spent eight, ten years wasted. Right?
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: And all of a sudden it’s like now I’m living. Now I’m fulfilling my purpose, and now I’m living life based on my own terms, because when people say they love me, I know they love me for me, because this is the real me, right?
David Brower: What a gift.
Alex Okoroji: I’m no longer, that’s a gift, right.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: It’s like you’re no longer under pressure. You’re not asking yourself who the people, before it was like, okay, was it me? Or was it the sex symbol? Or was it the character?
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: Or is it, what is it that they love?
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: But right now, saying things the way that I want to, expressing myself the way I want to, showing up the way I want to, and really defining what success and happiness is for me.
David Brower: Wow.
Alex Okoroji: Right? And that, I think is real bliss.
David Brower: It absolutely is. And the thing about, I’m going to challenge you on ten years of wasted life, because I don’t think it was a waste. I don’t think you would-
Alex Okoroji: No, it wasn’t.
David Brower: Right? You wouldn’t be able to see the difference.
Alex Okoroji: Yes.
David Brower: You wouldn’t be able to see the before and after without all of that struggle.
Alex Okoroji: You’re right. And when I said wasted, I was more like, “Oh my God, I could have accomplished, look at what I’ve done in the space of how many years.”
David Brower: I understand. Sure.
Alex Okoroji: But you’re right. You know what the difference is because you’ve had the other experience. And I think that’s why, it’s funny when I get to talk with the people, or when I meet new people or clients, they’re always like, “Oh my God, Alex, you’re very down-to-Earth and you’re humble, and nobody would know that you’re an actor.”
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: It was a bit weird. But it’s not, because I’ve been on the other side.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: Right? I remember, I was saying to someone that, I remember when I was on the other side, I mean, I host a radio show, and now I value what it means to have real, authentic conversations. Right?
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: I also understand what it means for someone to give me their time. But I remember when I was on the other side, getting approached and saying, “Hey,” doing an interview and I thought I was doing somebody a favor.
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: Right.
David Brower: And little did you know.
Alex Okoroji: Exactly.
David Brower: Right?
Alex Okoroji: And so that, exactly. So, and now there’s so much that’s happened and I’m starting to say, “Oh my God. This is different.” Now I have a better understanding of life. I have a better understanding of relationship. I have a better understanding of what I need to give and how I need to show up. And that’s because I’ve had that real, I’ve stripped myself of the things that society has used to cage me or imprison me.
David Brower: And the other thing that’s really cool, how old’s your daughter now?
Alex Okoroji: My son.
David Brower: Or son. I’m sorry.
Alex Okoroji: He’s eight.
David Brower: Eight?
Alex Okoroji: Yeah, he’s eight. He’ll be nine.
David Brower: So, for you to go through this journey and be able to model all of this authenticity for him. Oh my goodness.
Alex Okoroji: Yes. And so, it’s amazing. I was, I cooked today. Right? And my son, I remember writing something about it, and my son said to me, “Mommy, you always make the best meal. I love you, Mommy.” And I was, so it pretty much seems like, here’s the thing. Let me remind you, I’m African. So, we’re not very, we’re not, as affectionate. I think that for me the beauty is being able to raise a boy.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: Who is affectionate, who expresses love. Who understands, we, and some of like, first of all, he’s just eight plus. But he understands, and sometimes I think I’m living with a young adult. It’s weird. Right? But he knows that, I apply the same philosophy that I have for myself now with him, and I show him how it’s okay for him to express himself. For him to have honest conversation with me, and for him to be who he really is.
David Brower: Nice.
Alex Okoroji: I don’t want him to grow up the way that we grew up, with lots of restrictions and barriers. And when I say this restrictions, I’m not talking about what you’re supposed to do as a parent. But I’m talking about mental restriction.
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: I’m talking about limiting belief. A lot of the things that as we grow up, we realize that we were stifled things that we were fed from our diaper days.
David Brower: Sure.
Alex Okoroji: Thoughts and beliefs that were like, “Oh my God I was so wrong. Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? Why do I feel like I’m not-”
David Brower: And now your son doesn’t have to participate in those areas of life.
Alex Okoroji: Exactly.
David Brower: And if that’s not an amazing gift, I don’t know what is. Know what I mean?
Alex Okoroji: That is. And I’m glad. He can have a conversation with me.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: The things that he can talk to me about, I don’t remember ever being able to talk to my parents about it when I was that age. Right?
David Brower: Yeah. Right.
Alex Okoroji: Sometimes I realize, and it’s just little things. I remember when something as small as, “Oh, he wants to wear his red shirt.” And I’m like, “Why does he want to wear a red shirt? Wear the blue shirt.” And then all of a sudden I think to myself, it’s not your shirt, it’s his shirt. Right?
David Brower: Right.
Alex Okoroji: You bought it, but it’s his shirt.
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: Why don’t you let him wear what he wants to wear?
David Brower: Yeah.
Alex Okoroji: Make him be independent enough to be able to think for himself, decide for himself, instead of just feeding him with what you think.
David Brower: Yeah. And it is the little things. I mean, that’s how they, I mean, whether you’re nine years old or 69 years old, I mean that’s how you learn, right, is the little things that are shared with you authentically and honestly and from a deep place. And it gets your attention. And he’s blessed to have you as a mom because he doesn’t even know that he doesn’t know. I mean, it’s just, right? I mean, it’s just who he is.
Alex Okoroji: Yes.
David Brower: It’s just who he’s becoming. And oh my God, I got goosebumps just thinking about your son. That is just, that’s fabulous, man. That’s fabulous.
David Brower: That’s part one of our interview with Alex Okoroji.
Allan Blackwell: Listen to your 20-minute podcast with David Brower on the go. Downloads are available on YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, iTunes, iHeartRadio, Spotify, any podcast app, and on our website at davidbrowervo.com/your20minutepodcast. Until next time, thank you for listening.